You may have noticed that I’ve taken a bit of a break from the blog. I’ve actually taken a break from most social media platforms because I’ve needed to turn off and disconnect in order to avoid being triggered by certain people, places or labels.
It’s been more than 6 months since the judges found Marc Sibard guilty of harassment and sexual assault and more than five years since I handed in my resignation but I still have nightmares and recurring dreams. Just last night I found myself justifying to some imaginary character why I moved away from France.
It’s not only inanimate objects that trigger my subconscious; even real people in real life will call me a storyteller or a money-hungry witch to my face.
“Why did you make it all up?” they ask.
Even though we’ve had the ruling and Marc didn’t appeal, certain people in the wine industry in France still don’t think it’s possible that he is guilty. Money talks. Long-standing relationships (obviously strengthened by the commercial aspect) can withstand even the most demanding of tests.
I was recently in Paris but instead of doing the rounds of the interesting wine bars as I used to do, I laid very low and only went to one bar where I was sure not to run into him or his close friends.
I was back in London too just before Christmas. I feel rather guilty about not catching up with my wine friends there but the truth is that I don’t want to talk about wine so much anymore.
I did go to one natural wine bar – one I’ve been to many times before but always before the affair became public. It’s mainly French-run and because I know I’ve been blacklisted in certain circles, I was worried about how I would be received. I didn’t actually go in the first time. I paced up and down on an adjacent street. It was only the next day when a friend of mine confirmed that he would be working behind the bar that I summoned enough courage to go back and push open the door.
The thing is, if you don’t believe that he’s guilty and think that it’s all one big wrongful conviction that means we’ve committed perjury. In other words, that we’ve lied, made false statements, made the whole thing up…
Let’s break this down. For what gain? Because we were jealous of his success? Because some other figure is bankrolling us to bring him down…? That’s what his lawyer used as a defence argument in the courtroom.
But think about it: why would a French girl, an English girl and an American girl, who didn’t know each other before and all just starting off on their careers, risk it all by accusing one of the most influential wine people, if they didn’t really, really mean it?
What’s frustrating is that the people with the loudest mouths also have the smallest brains. Take the time to read even a few excerpts from the court ruling and you might reconsider your definition of “money-hungry witch” or even “cultural difference” but love is blind and blood is thicker than water… or ink.
Anyway, I’m back in Italy now, surrounded by people whom I trust and who give me the time and space to slowly move on from these traumatic five or six years. It’s also where I don’t have to keep second-guessing the loyalty of each and every vigneron that I encounter.
I’m going to get back in the swing of blogging soon and I’m also going to keep fighting for the things in which I strongly believe (feminism, equal opportunities and breaking the silence.) But both of these things I’m going to do it at my own pace. At least until I’m stronger, that is.
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